I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
