I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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