plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
