I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
