everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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