I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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