I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
