If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize