smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
