he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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