His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
