actually, I'm a sock model
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
