i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
