Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
