Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
