seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
