Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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