My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
