Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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