just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
