I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
