I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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