Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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