I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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