Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
