Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize