I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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