Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
