Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
