So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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