also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
