I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
