i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
