Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
