y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
