I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
