My Higher Power is John Stamos
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
