I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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