dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Rumble strips road head = magical
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
