I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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