He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
