your parents love me but you hate me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
