if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize