They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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