if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
