i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
