Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
