You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
