If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
