Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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