Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
