One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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