you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
