And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
