my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
