Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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