forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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