every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize