Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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