puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
